The Ferrari team radio was filled with agonizing screams. "OH GOD ITS GREEN EVERYWHERE. FOR SURE!" This was Massa, driving wildly to shake the green stripes off the tires during qualifying at Fuji.
"I think the whole team is scared of green", said Kimi synthetically. We found him in front of a mirror trying to remove any remaining expression from his face. Asked about wires hanging around his neck, he explained "I wasn't happy with my mildly fluctuating voice, so I ordered the voice box that Stephen Hawking uses to sound more robotic", he normalized. We couldn't tell the difference between before and after.
Singapore was a nightmare (literally) for Ferrari. Kimi was angry that he was asked to play a supporting role. Massa was angry because Kimi had refused. Both of them decided to take it out on the team by killing pit-crew members randomly. "As soon as I saw the green light, I went for the fueling man.", said Massa. "I was ecstatic to see his limp body dragging alongside me down the pit straight, but then I realized it was just a fuel hose." Kimi didn't fare any better. "I was trying to kill a marshal but I got shit drunk before the race and ended up driving straight into the wall", he informed us. We suggested they leave killings during the race to professionals like David Coulthard.
Bernie, displeased with Ferrari's antics, decided to teach them a lesson by painting green grooves on all the tires. "And you thought Mosley was a pervert", he grunted while fondling Tamara lying on a bed of surplus Singapore track lights.
But that's not the only reason why Massa was fifth in qualifying.
"That's the last of them", sighed Luca with relief as he pushed the cart filled with dead clowns over the cliff in Italy. "We thought we were being innovative", he moaned. Ferrari had hired clowns as part of a cost-cutting move and have now decided to go back to the lollipop man. "We are taking extra precautions. We will have a cotton-candy cart in the pits and Massa will be driving an ice-cream truck", he told us. We are led to believe that the cold ice cream prevented Massa from getting his tires up to temperature. Ferrari hadn't realized they didn't actually have to fill the truck with ice-cream.
Meanwhile, Lewis, walking somewhat awkwardly after his penis-enlargement surgery, had no sympathy for Ferrari. We found him behind the McLaren garage shredding squirrels that refused to ask for his autograph. "Yeah well I am the best you know. I mean really I am the greatest driver that ever liv...what? Oh that's not what you asked? Yes screw Ferrari." Ron was unavailable for comment as he was busily de-motivating Heikki to prevent him from winning.
Everything came together during the Japanese grand prix.
At the start, Lewis tucked up behind Kimi, driving sensibly, but when Massa's ice-cream truck loomed up in the rear-view mirrors, Lewis' eyes grew wide with horror. He flung away his cup of tea, breaking Kubica's nose. Shitting his pants, he stomped on the brakes, barely avoiding hitting Kimi (who was still looking in his mirror to remove expression, by the way). Meanwhile Alonso took the lead, whipping his car and shouting "Bravo Bravo" to make it go faster while Kubica stuck his (broken, but still large) nose through the pack for second. Sebastien Bourdais drove for his life as he had been informed by Deitrich Mate-shit-you-can't-pronounce-my-name that if he didn't score points, not only would he be dropped but also taken out back and shot, but not before being forced to eat Vettel's pubic hair.
But Massa wasn't done. Still angry that Kimi wouldn't support him, he turned on Lewis. Scared shitless, Lewis scampered and bolted, now here, now there, but Massa engaged his four-wheel drive and rammed into Lewis causing him to spin. Understandably, Kimi changed his mind and has now decided to support Massa. "The bastard's raving mad", he offered indignantly.
Ron's demotivation didn't work on Heikki but it did work on the engine which blew up with a loud noise that sounded amazingly like 'Aaaah Fuck it'. In the commotion, David Coulthard tried to stab Kazuki (he'd been hired by Rosberg), but to DC's shock, Kazuki pulled out his Samurai sword and slashed DC's tires causing DC to crash out. By this time, Ferrari had started spraying Ron Dennis with fuel, the McLaren boys were hosing the stewards who had been jerking off to McLaren's troubles, Flavio took advantage of the confusion to rape one of the paddock guests and Luca sneaked in to the FIA office and quietly inserted drive-through penalties but his anger at Massa trying to kill clowns got the better of him and he gave one to Massa as well.
As the sun set behind Mt. Fuji, Schumacher sat on a hill (Damon Hill) and watched in disgust. "Look at them", he said turning to Montoya lying in his lap, "they try so hard but no one can put up a fucking circus like I can and still win."
